Being a Mother (in the midst of the pandemic)

I always wondered what my Mum has that always seem to show so much strength and grace in the midst of difficult and dark times. She always seemed composed and knew what to say and what to do. I always had this thought that as soon as I become a Mum, that's basically how I wanna be and that's how I'm gonna do it. 

Fast forward to 2020, 34 years old and with two kids in tow. I am still waiting for that moment where I find myself to have even an ounce of the strength and grace that I saw in my Mum...and I still do now. Where is it? Why am I still looking for that manual that will tell me all the secrets to motherhood? Reality hit me, and it hit me hard...motherhood is and will always be an never-ending journey of learnings and experiences. Hardships and moments of despair seem to always pop out but in the end, a sigh of relief at the end of the day for a job well done of making sure the kids are fed, bathed and have survived the day (especially now at this pandemic) is all that takes for mothers everywhere to get a good night's sleep. 

I have four Mum friends who are currently pregnant during this pandemic and I cannot imagine the preparation that they have to do physically, emotionally and mentally in order to be able to get through this with as little trauma as possible. I am in awe at their will. They're not first-time moms, but these days with all the protocols set and preparations drawn out by the hospitals, basically everyone's a first-time mom with their processes.

I joke around that I haven't had sleep since 2012 when I first became a Mum. And with good reason...my heart isn't with me anymore, it's in these two little gremlins that I gave birth to that always seem to find themselves tucked in between me and Lau at night, even though we clearly remember moving them to their side of the bed. Every cry they make, every whine, every whimper, every snore..we hear it. Every kick, every slap and every kiss...we feel it. I don't consider myself the most patient and everyone in my family knows that. I do things a certain way and feel really irked when it's not followed. So imagine how much I have to adjust in order to look calm in front of my kids, which doesn't happen all the time. 

And now, in the midst of this pandemic...dynamics have to change as quickly. We all have to adjust to the new normal that's being set within the boundaries and protocols of safety. Fear lingers in every bone in my body. And then I realize, how about the first-time moms who have given birth during this time? What level of fear and anxiety do they have added on with the pandemic and having a newborn? 

A never-ending journey of learning and experiencing...I can not paint myself as the Mum that I had pictured myself to be. But I wonder, how will my children paint me if I asked them to draw me as the Mum that they know? How I pray that I will be as half as I see my Mum...